dear love,

i'd like to find you again,
if you'd let me buy you dinner,
or cook you something,
or pick you flowers,
or maybe just go for a walk.

i dream big.

i sat down today at a table at the farmers market reading "hot water music" by bukowski, and an older couple sat down across from me, and the woman bought offered to buy me a cup of coffee.

looks like there still are kind people in the world.

too bad i spilled the coffee all over me before i even got to drink it.

...

i've come to realize that there are some people who i cannot convince. this is okay, because having the power to persuade everyone, even of the truth, would be too much control. having control at all in the first place tends to always end up bad no matter how good it may seem... my advice to myself and everyone else - if you can't get something good back, just be thankful for what it was and don't ever let that go. forgive, if you can, but don't forget. things are going to be okay.

to quote -

"you have to die a few times before you can really live."

how it's gonna happen.

plans for life -

- go to school
- become a teacher
- go to japan
- marry this woman:

Living Saints - Polar Bear Club

I cut my fingers on a broken picture frame
The welling up waxes and wanes. It's not fair and it hasn't been
All my friends are living saints. Been killing me for weeks
A garden weed that cracks concrete. It hasn't been fair for long
Growing up isn't moving on.

Do you miss our broken reason or the nights spent treating
Troubles and normalcy to bottles and comedies?
You forgot your necklace upstairs on purpose
It was you golden ticket scam and it always made us laugh
Do you see me as your acquaintance, your death by time, age and long
distance?

Broken picture frames
The welling up waxes and wanes. It's not fair and it hasn't been
All my friends are living saints. Been killing me for weeks
A garden weed that cracks concrete. It hasn't been fair for long
Growing up isn't moving on

All my friends are living saints
Broken still but never breaking ties

I never pictured this, disperse in fall and don't reminisce
See it's just not fair, not everyone moved on

highlights -

"hello, are you this evening?"

"good, now that you're here to check us out."

"um...i hope you found everything okay."

"found you didn't we?"

dis is how i get money.

...

it's funny how life works. you think you know somebody, get really close to them, share special moments with someone, and then the next thing you know, they don't want to share that anymore. they don't even want anything to do with you anymore. they call you up or show up on your doorstep telling you that things just aren't the same anymore, and that one of you or both has changed. and you want to think it's them, because you know it is, but as part of being modest and a good person, i guess, you have to look inside yourself and see what's changed, too. okay, so we all make mistakes - we fuck up, we say things out of spite or out of being hurt that in turn hurt the ones we love, because, let's face it - we're going to hurt a lot of people while we're alive, but the ones we hurt most will always be the ones that we love. or used to. to each his own, really. and then, to escape doing so, people begin to lie. everyone does it. whether it's in big doses or small doses, people have lied and continue to do so. it's human nature, i guess. this doesn't really have to do with one person in particular, but it can go out to anyone i can ever say meant anything to me - i love you all, still. even if you've fucked me over or hurt me beyond i'd ever let you know - which tends to usually be the case.

i choose not to acknowledge the fact that i'm hated by some people who i could never have the stomach in me to hate, myself. the people who meant the most to me over the years, despite fallouts, remain close to me in some way. i always know that if there was ever any sort of true, actual friendship, they'll come around again...i hope. and i realize that now there's probably you, or some of you, who tell their new friends about what a piece of shit i am or how much of a pain in the ass i can be.

that's fine, because it's true.

but i'd never do that to you.

Look,

to be honest, with everyone -
i am not posi 24/7. in fact i'm usually pretty depressed and cover it up with a big smile and hugs. in this sense i feel like i am like most people except for i'm just smiling all the time. i don't hang out often because i feel uncomfortable around most people and it's easiest for me to get to know people on a one-on-one basis. i trust almost no one and i believe that almost everyone is lying to me or has at some point. this means in no way that i'm not happy. i'm actually very happy. i also make no sense. if i don't like someone i want them dead, and i don't care if they have someone who will be upset about it. this is the most selfish part of my being, i guess. luckily i don't dislike much more than 2 or 3 people, but honestly, i feel like the world would be better without them, and not just mine. i have no idea where this is going.

basically,
i love you all.