Merry Christmas, Fucker

I was under the impression that it might be fun. You know - meeting relatives I hadn't yet met, swapping emails and phone numbers, eating food, and getting Christmas presents (mmm, greed). It was brought to my attention the night before, by my mom, of course, who only tends to let me know of big plans at the last minute.

"My cousin Betty Jean is having a family reunion Christmas Party at her house tomorrow. You and your brother are expected to be there."

I was thrilled. The only relatives on my mom's side of the family that I knew were my grandpa, my grandma (although by then deceased), my aunt, and my uncle. And my mom's aunt. And her son. And his wife. And their kids. Look, for a family of the South - which is indeed what my mom's family is, that is a relatively small number of people. I didn't really know much about families but I knew that them Southern ones were big. And a family reunion would bring them together. All of them. It would be the only time I'd really get to meet any extended family, I figured, because my dad's even larger family still mostly lived, and still does live, about a day's flight away in Thailand. And didn't speak my language.

But the next day came around and I came to realize that this group of Nascar-loving hicks didn't speak my language either. Or at least most of them didn't. They spoke some weird dialect using words like "ya'll", "yeehaw" and "GITERDONE!" I walked into the family reunion and not a damn person beside the aforementioned people I already knew had any idea we were related. I could just tell. My mom walked in first, smiling her usual beaming smile like she usually does when she's in a social situation, and then my brother and I. And everyone just stopped, and looked. More likely at me than at my brother, because he looks a lot more like my mom than I do although we're twins. At the time I thought they were probably just thinking that I was adopted, but now I'm pretty sure their thoughts were all along these lines -

"Hey! What the fuck! Where is the Chow Fun?! We ordered Chow Fun! Did he just leave it at the restaurant or something? Oh fuck, he's looking at the cat. Oh my God, FUCK, hide the cat! HIDE THE CAT!"

I smiled my usual nervous smile as I walked in and closed the door behind me. And I knew that these people did not want to swap emails.

I decided that I was not going to introduce myself because I did not want to admit to them or myself that we were related. A few people came up to me and told me their names and most of them I didn't like but a few of them I did. I sat down and talked to my grandpa for a bit, which made me happy, but mostly I was just waiting for the night to be over and for Santa to cum in my chimney or whatever the hell he does. I kept overhearing talk of Nascar and Jesus. Sometimes in the same sentence. "Dale Jr. don't got shit on Jesus, no sir." Or something like that. This one guy about sixty or so was all decked out in Nascar gear. Nascar hat. Nascar shirt. Nascar watch. Probably a Nascar tattoo on his dick, but I didn't ask to see it, because I was pretty sure it was there. And he wouldn't shut up. At that point I was about ready to blow my brains out, moreso than usual. I thought, There's GOT to be a hunting rifle in this house somewhere. Right next to the musket.

I decided that it was all too much for me and that I had to step outside to take a breather. On my way out I saw my mom's aunt's son's wife. I can't ever remember her name but I know she's involved in some church. Her and her husband. Good people.

"Dylan!" she yelled while I was about to step out the door. She knew my name, wow.

"Yes?"

She smiled at me but I knew immediately that she was about to try and talk to me about something important.

"I have to talk to you about something important", she said.

Fuck.

I followed her to this little room off to the side where no one was. I thought for a second that maybe she was going to try and have sex with me but then I thought about it again and I realized that these people weren't that backwoods and no one would do that with me anyways. I sat down on a sort of bed thing and she sat down in a chair across from me and looked into my eyes, deeply. It was creepy.

"This is important," she said.

"Uh huh."

"I have a question."

"Okay"

"Do you believe in God?"

My jaw dropped to the ground. So I bent down and picked it up. Then I looked at her real hard and didn't say anything but then I said something.

"No."

"I'll pray for you."

"You do that."

Then we got up and walked our separate ways and I thought about looking for that hunting rifle again.

I went outside and stood there for a long time looking at nothing in particular. The moon was full. There was a cat in the lawn. There were a few pick up trucks in the driveway and across the street. I thought about how much I wish I hadn't of come, and about tomorrow was Christmas and how last Christmas was the last time I ever saw my grandma. I think I cried a little but I'm not sure.

When I went back inside it was time to eat and everyone stood around in a big circle and prayed. We all held hands and I held hands with some guy I didn't know and my mom, and we prayed to Jesus thanking him for our food, but I was sure that everyone was really praying for the atheist in the house. Save him, save him. Then the food came out - spare ribs, fried chicken, ham, roast beef, mashed potatoes with beef gravy, grapes - I ate the grapes.

"BOY! WHY DON'T YOU EAT SOME O' THAT MEAT? SOME O' THAT HAM! SOME O' THAT BEEF!" Nascar Man commented.

I simply laughed and said "No thank you, I don't eat meat. These grapes are fine."

Nascar Man almost spit out his food at this.

"WHAT?! YOU DON'T EAT MEAT?! YOU ONE O' THEM VETERINARIANS?!"

"No, I'm vegan."

"YOU'RE WHAT?!"

"I don't eat meat."

"WELL HAVE SOME CHICKEN."

"No thanks."

And I walked away with my grapes.

After dinner it was time to exchange gifts. My brother and I sat on the couch and watched. So many gifts were given and received - fishing rods, kitchen supplies, digital cameras, gift certificates, Nascar hats, money, clothes, and everything that everyone thought that they needed to have. By the time it was all over, everyone had gotten something - everyone except my brother and I. Seeing this, someone piped up and said "Oh! I think we have two extra movie passes!" And my brother and I got two movie extra movie passes for Christmas that year.

By that time it was almost midnight and everyone started heading home. My grandpa left and I said goodbye to him and then shortly after it was time for me to go home too, so we headed out and my mom said goodbye to everyone and my brother and I didn't say goodbye to anyone. We just went out and sat in the car and waited.

On the way home my mom asked if I had had a good time and I lied and said I did. My brother said he did too but I don't know if he was lying or not. Then my mom said that we weren't celebrating Christmas this year. Always letting me know at the last minute, as usual.

The next morning I woke up like I do every Christmas morning and went out to the living room and looked under the tree. Nothing was there.

At least I was happy about my movie pass.