This Is Not A True Story*

*Not for me, at least.


You could almost feel something.
You could close your eyes and for a second maybe you could feel something.
Maybe.
If the ability to listen wasn't so tough then maybe I wouldn't be like this. But I need more, man. I need more. I spend hundreds on this shit a week and I tell ya, I just need more.

My mama gives me 50 dollars a week spending. Dad, too. They have good jobs. They drive nice cars. They send me to a private school that costs a lot so I will grow up to be a model citizen. I walked in on Dad fucking some woman who wasn't my mama, once. I told him I'd keep my mouth shut for a few more hundred dollars. So he gave me some money and I spent it all on the junk that will make you numb. I used most it all up in a few minutes. My friends said it was a bad idea. What do friends know though - they just lie to you and tell you they care about you. I don't need that. I have what I need and it's perfect 'cause it doesn't talk. It doesn't tell me anything. It doesn't need to. I don't have friends anymore.

The night after I caught Dad doing his fucking and I got all that money I got into some trouble.
I left my guy's house and it was 3 in the morning. Bitch black outside. Neighborhood had no street lights. Wore all black so I couldn't be seen. And I blended in perfectly to the night. I was a shadow that belonged to the trees and the streets and would die when the sun would rise. But then there was a light and it wasn't the sun. It was a car. And I thought to myself who drives around here at 3 in the morning? Cops and queers, that's who. I saw the lights and ducked down into a nearby bush. This could go one of two ways i thought - get stopped and get your ass beat or get stopped and get your ass fucked.

Next thing I know I'm in the back seat that car. It ain't a cop car and it ain't no queer car either. But I'm in the back and I'm all tied up and my stomach hurts. My head hurts. My whole body hurts. I want to be numb. I've got a bandanna tied around my mouth so I can't talk. There are two people in the car with me. One drivin' one sittin' in the passenger seat. They got shaved heads and sleeveless shirts. The one drivin' 's got three x's tattooed on the back of his neck. The passenger turns around and looks at me. All I can see in his eyes is hate. Why does he hate me? What did I do to him?

"Fuckin' junky piece of shit," he says. Then he lands me one real hard in the jaw. And I passed out.

When I came to I was in what looked like a warehouse. I was on the floor and still all tied up but that bandanna was gone so I could talk. I realized that my pants pockets were turned inside out and empty. Fuckers cleaned me out, it looked like. I looked around me. Wasn't really a big place, if it was a warehouse. On the walls there were some posters but I couldn't read em. My vision was all blurry like. Then I seen that guy with the x's on the back of his neck. And about ten other guys too. They're all standing in one corner talking. I hear them as a dull incomprehensible murmur.

"HEY! HELP! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" I yelled.

They all stopped talking and one yelled something out.

"Oh! Look at this! He's awake! About time, we were getting restless."

"...what?" I said.

I blinked my eyes and they were all on top of me. Beating me. Taking punches at me. Kicking me. In the head, in the stomach, in the groin. They cursed and swore and called me a junky piece of shit, over and over. Then it stopped. One of them was dangling something in front of my face.

Zip-lock bag. My zip-lock bag. Full of my junk.

"You want this?" he asked.

I didn't say anything. I was in too much pain. I just looked at it. It was beautiful. And I did want it. I wanted it bad. I wanted it now. I wanted it so I could get rid of the pain and then maybe feel strong enough to take on all of these fuckers. At once.

He asked me again.

"You want this?"

I managed to nod.

"THEN FUCKING HAVE IT!" he said.

Then he shoved the whole bag in my mouth. It went down deep and touched the back of my throat and I gagged and vomited. But the bag stayed in. I woudn't let it go. Not again. I gnashed my teeth and bit into it and felt it's contents on my tongue.

"Fuckers like you never learn..." he said.

"Let's get this piece of shit out of here."

I felt them kick me a few times in the stomach and then one of them picked me up. I couldn't tell you much more than than that though. I was slowly slipping away into someplace else, another place far, far away.

I woke up on the side of the road. The highway. There were two policemen standing over me. One was holding my bag. It was trashed. Covered in blood and vomit. But there was plenty of stuff left in it to do the job.

"An ambulance is on it's way," one of the policemen said. "But you've got some time you're gonna be payin', yessir. You fuckin' junkies pile up here on the side of the road here everyday and we can't just let you walk."

Then I heard sirens and I passed out again.

They did a lot of stuff to me at that hospital. Stitched me up real nicely. Put some stuff on my bruises. Gave me some shots. I slept through most of if. Every now and then I'd wake up and I'd see a hot nurse standing over me with her tits in my face. It was an alright way to spend a few days.

I never did end up doing time. My mama and Dad did some talking under the table before the whole thing could even become a case. They took away some of my things but they still give me money every week because "a boy's gotta eat". And I never did find out who those guys who beat the shit out of me were. Nor did I ever see them again. Not the next time I left my guy's house. Or the time after that. But I still think about it. I've got the scars to remind me of it. But if it does happen again, don't you think I'm gonna quit doing this. Don't you tell me that once was enough and I shoula done learned my lesson. Don't tell me it's not worth it, because, oh, it's worth it. One night of pain in exchange for a beautiful feeling of numbness that not even the Devil could feel. It's worth it, trust me. For me, there is no lesson to learn.

Fuckers like me never learn.