Thinking.

i used to work as a bagboy,
at the grocery store.
and i would bag groceries
for some very strange people
like,
for instance,
this old woman with drawn-on eyebrows
who would just by cat food
or this old man,
who used a walker,
who bought KY
or this tall black guy
who would always ask me
to walk him out to his car
and called himself
"versace don".
i was only fifteen,
and in my first year of high school,
and terrified of everything,
like old people,
or walking out to strangers' cars.
i'm still terrified of everything
but no longer enough
to quit my job.

-------------

sometimes,
i think about dying.
not
wanting to die
or wishing for death,
but just thinking -
what would it be like to be dead?
i know
that my heart will stop beating
and my brain will cease thinking
and i'll shit myself
like a big baby.
and all my memories
and all my thoughts
will become nothing.
and then i think -
what was it like
before i was even alive?
or even when i was a
little baby,
shitting and pissing and puking everywhere?
i don't remember
what that was like,
so maybe dying
is just just like not being alive
yet.
and then,
dying doesn't seem so bad.