He was the strangest person I had ever met. The most annoying, too.
His name was Jonathan. I met him my first year of high school, when I was all the more vulnerable to weirdos like him. He was a senior, and I, a freshman. I'm pretty sure I was one of his only friends, maybe only, and I wasn't even his friend. I was just nice. Kind of.
I first saw Jonathan during summer school before entering the 9th grade. I was standing outside the 200 building (which mainly housed language arts classes) with my friend Logan when I heard a loud "ROAR" coming from inside. Logan heard it too.
"ROOOOAAAAR!"
"Uh," I said.
"Buh..." Logan said.
And then the doors to the 200 building bust open and this long-haired beast of a kid, at least six foot four, ran out, with one hand in the air with his two middle fingers down, making a gesture I thought you only did at a Slayer concert, and swinging his hair in a windmill-esque motion. Then he stopped in front of Logan and I for a second and we made eye contact.
"ROOOOOOOAAAAR!" he said.
Then he ran off swinging his hair and doing that thing with his hand.
That afternoon when my mom picked me up I saw him standing at the bus stop in front of the school and he was still doing the same thing.
I didn't see him again until a few weeks into the school year. I was in the bathroom. I think I was pooping. I never pooped at school but for emergency occasions, so if I was pooping I must have really had to go. I could have been peeing. Either way I was in a stall. I used stalls when I peed because my parents had opted to leave my dick looking like an ant eater when I was born, and I always had a fear that if I used a urinal someone would see my ant eater dick and scream. It was also for this reason that I was pretty sure I would never have sex.
Anyways.
Whether I was pooping or peeing, I was in my stall, thinking I was alone in the bathroom, when I heard one of the most terrifying sounds I had ever heard in my life.
"SATAAAAANNNN!"
It sounded just like the roar I had heard during summer school except it seemed a lot scarier now that it had the Dark Lord's name attached to it.I finished what I was doing and just stood still for a moment. Then I opened the stall door, carefully. It was him. Jonathan. Except I didn't know his name was Jonathan yet. I just knew that he roared. He roared 'Satan'. He was standing at the sink, leaning forward, hands on the counter, looking intently into the mirror. He was making a face that looked kind of like a mix between constipated and angry. Then he roared again.
"SATAAAAANNNN!"
And he kept looking at himself in the mirror. I knew he saw me because through the mirror we made eye contact. I just blinked and said,
"Uh."
He didn't move at all but he talked. Loud.
"HEY. WHAT DID YOU THINK?"
"Uh. About what?"
"MY VOCALS. MY METAL VOCALS. PRETTY EVIL SOUNDING, AM I RIGHT?"
"Uh. Yeah. Pretty evil."
"MY NAME'S JONATHAN. WHAT'S YOURS?"
"Dylan," I said. I wanted to get out of there. Even if it meant not washing my hands. So I started walking out. And he did too.
"WHERE YA GOING?" he asked.
"Back to class."
"ME TOO."
"Back to my class?"
"NO BACK TO MY CLASS."
"Okay."
I walked out the bathroom and down the hallways and up the stairs and he followed me the whole way. And the whole way he talked to me.
"YOU SEEM LIKE A REALLY COOL GUY."
"How can you tell? I don't know you."
"YEAH."
"Uh."
"DO YOU LIKE METAL?"
"I guess. Some."
"I LOVE METAL."
The whole time he was talking he kept sucking his teeth. He walked with his chest out and his chin up and his arms at his sides bent slightly as if he was flexing.
"This is my class. Bye."
"BYE."
I opened the door to my classroom and went in and Jonathan walked away doing his metal vocals. Then I realized that some guy I had met in the bathroom had just followed me to class.
That day at lunch I told Logan was had happened. He thought it was really funny and I do now but at the time I just thought it was creepy. We sat eating our cafeteria pizza that tasted like vagina-asshole-dick-shit and then Logan said he had to piss and asked if I'd come with him.
"I have to piss. Want to come with me?"
I said yes so we finished our pizza and started walking towards the nearest bathroom and on the way we got stopped by a voice.
"HEY."
Oh, fuck, I though.
I looked at Logan as if to say 'Let's go, NOW." But he didn't get it at first and by the time he did, it was too late. John had walked up to us.
"HEY DYLAN. IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. WANT TO COME SIT WITH ME?"
He pointed to an empty table behind him.
"No, I'm alright," I said.
Johnathan looked at me and then looked at Logan.
"HI. I'M JONATHAN."
"Logan."
"WANNA SIT WITH ME?"
"No, it's cool."
Jonathan looked at Logan and blinked and then went back to sit at his table without saying anything.
Logan and I kept walking. A loud "ROAR" could be heard behind us. This kid is fucking weird, I thought, but part of me felt bad for him.
As the school year went on Johnathan became more and more frequent in my daily life. He'd see my in the hall and try talking to me and at first I tried to gradually be more friendly and hold a conversation with him. I figured something wasn't "all right" with him and that everyone deserved a chance. But that thought didn't last very long and it wasn't too long before I tried my hardest to avoid him.
One morning I was at school early waiting for Logan where I usually waited for Logan, when Jonathan appeared out of nowhere and flicked me really hard on the arm.
"OW! WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!" I screamed.
I looked at where he had flicked me and the flesh has turned bright red. It stung really bad.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
He double over laughing.
"I GOT YOU!"
"Not cool man. That really hurt."
I was rubbing my arm and giving him a face that was supposed to express pure hate. He just laughed and then got really serious looking.
"DUDE," he said.
"Yeah?"
"I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING."
"What?"
"YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED."
"...Okay..."
"GUESS."
"Guess what?"
"GUESS WHAT HAPPENED."
"I give up."
I was getting impatient already.
"I GOT HEAD. AT SCHOOL. YESTERDAY. FROM A GIRL."
"Uh. Cool."
"I CAME. TWICE. IN HER MOUTH."
"Uh."
"SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. BUT I MADE HER, BECAUSE I'M FUCKING EVIL."
I felt disgusted to be standing near him. Here I was fifteen years old listening to this freak talk about face-raping some girl. And I'd barely kissed a girl yet. Just then I saw Logan walking towards me and we made eye contact. He read my eyes. Then looked at Jonathan. Then turned around and walked away.
"Gotta go!"
And I ran after him without giving Jonathan a chance to say anything else.
This one time, Jonathan showed up at school bleeding from the mouth. There was blood everywhere. All down his chin. His shirt. Bright, red blood. Or so I thought. He came up to me and in the morning and I stopped him right before he could flick me in the arm. I took one look at him and screamed.
"HOLY SHIT! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU OKAY?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"
He smiled real big, his teeth red, and said:
"HAHA, CHECK IT OUT."
He then reached into his pocket and to my astonishment, pulled out a packed of powdered red Kool-Aid, ripped it open, and poured the contents in his mouth. Then he started drooling profusely and red Kool-Aid blood went everywhere. What the fuck, I thought.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" he said. "PRETTY EVIL, HUH?"
"Yeah. Pretty evil."
Luckily since Jonathan was a senior his school year ended earlier than mine, so the last few weeks of school I didn't have to deal with him. Then, on the last day of school I saw him hanging around outside the school at the bus stop. He was swinging his hair like he did the first day I saw him. I was walking over to the smoothie place across the street to wait for a ride home from my mom, and there he was. Just standing there. I raised my hand to my face and tried to make myself invisible but it didn't work. He saw me and ran up to me. Fuck, I thought.
"HEY MAN. HOW'S IT GOING?"
"Good. I'm going home. Just waiting for my mom."
"SWEET. HAHA. YOUR MOM."
He said the last two words with added inflection.
"Yeah."
"MAN. I'M IN A BAND NOW. YOU SHOULD CHECK US OUT."
"Oh yeah?"
"YEAH. SINISTER ARCHITECT. FUCKIN' METAL."
When I heard this I tried not to laugh. I really did. But I may have let one slip out. Sinister Architect? Really? What the fuck is that? A mean guy who builds houses? Really fuckin' metal. Just then my mom pulled up. I had never been so happy to see her.
"Bye!" I said, and quickly got in the car.
Then my mom drove me home and I never saw Jonathan again.
His name was Jonathan. I met him my first year of high school, when I was all the more vulnerable to weirdos like him. He was a senior, and I, a freshman. I'm pretty sure I was one of his only friends, maybe only, and I wasn't even his friend. I was just nice. Kind of.
I first saw Jonathan during summer school before entering the 9th grade. I was standing outside the 200 building (which mainly housed language arts classes) with my friend Logan when I heard a loud "ROAR" coming from inside. Logan heard it too.
"ROOOOAAAAR!"
"Uh," I said.
"Buh..." Logan said.
And then the doors to the 200 building bust open and this long-haired beast of a kid, at least six foot four, ran out, with one hand in the air with his two middle fingers down, making a gesture I thought you only did at a Slayer concert, and swinging his hair in a windmill-esque motion. Then he stopped in front of Logan and I for a second and we made eye contact.
"ROOOOOOOAAAAR!" he said.
Then he ran off swinging his hair and doing that thing with his hand.
That afternoon when my mom picked me up I saw him standing at the bus stop in front of the school and he was still doing the same thing.
I didn't see him again until a few weeks into the school year. I was in the bathroom. I think I was pooping. I never pooped at school but for emergency occasions, so if I was pooping I must have really had to go. I could have been peeing. Either way I was in a stall. I used stalls when I peed because my parents had opted to leave my dick looking like an ant eater when I was born, and I always had a fear that if I used a urinal someone would see my ant eater dick and scream. It was also for this reason that I was pretty sure I would never have sex.
Anyways.
Whether I was pooping or peeing, I was in my stall, thinking I was alone in the bathroom, when I heard one of the most terrifying sounds I had ever heard in my life.
"SATAAAAANNNN!"
It sounded just like the roar I had heard during summer school except it seemed a lot scarier now that it had the Dark Lord's name attached to it.I finished what I was doing and just stood still for a moment. Then I opened the stall door, carefully. It was him. Jonathan. Except I didn't know his name was Jonathan yet. I just knew that he roared. He roared 'Satan'. He was standing at the sink, leaning forward, hands on the counter, looking intently into the mirror. He was making a face that looked kind of like a mix between constipated and angry. Then he roared again.
"SATAAAAANNNN!"
And he kept looking at himself in the mirror. I knew he saw me because through the mirror we made eye contact. I just blinked and said,
"Uh."
He didn't move at all but he talked. Loud.
"HEY. WHAT DID YOU THINK?"
"Uh. About what?"
"MY VOCALS. MY METAL VOCALS. PRETTY EVIL SOUNDING, AM I RIGHT?"
"Uh. Yeah. Pretty evil."
"MY NAME'S JONATHAN. WHAT'S YOURS?"
"Dylan," I said. I wanted to get out of there. Even if it meant not washing my hands. So I started walking out. And he did too.
"WHERE YA GOING?" he asked.
"Back to class."
"ME TOO."
"Back to my class?"
"NO BACK TO MY CLASS."
"Okay."
I walked out the bathroom and down the hallways and up the stairs and he followed me the whole way. And the whole way he talked to me.
"YOU SEEM LIKE A REALLY COOL GUY."
"How can you tell? I don't know you."
"YEAH."
"Uh."
"DO YOU LIKE METAL?"
"I guess. Some."
"I LOVE METAL."
The whole time he was talking he kept sucking his teeth. He walked with his chest out and his chin up and his arms at his sides bent slightly as if he was flexing.
"This is my class. Bye."
"BYE."
I opened the door to my classroom and went in and Jonathan walked away doing his metal vocals. Then I realized that some guy I had met in the bathroom had just followed me to class.
That day at lunch I told Logan was had happened. He thought it was really funny and I do now but at the time I just thought it was creepy. We sat eating our cafeteria pizza that tasted like vagina-asshole-dick-shit and then Logan said he had to piss and asked if I'd come with him.
"I have to piss. Want to come with me?"
I said yes so we finished our pizza and started walking towards the nearest bathroom and on the way we got stopped by a voice.
"HEY."
Oh, fuck, I though.
I looked at Logan as if to say 'Let's go, NOW." But he didn't get it at first and by the time he did, it was too late. John had walked up to us.
"HEY DYLAN. IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. WANT TO COME SIT WITH ME?"
He pointed to an empty table behind him.
"No, I'm alright," I said.
Johnathan looked at me and then looked at Logan.
"HI. I'M JONATHAN."
"Logan."
"WANNA SIT WITH ME?"
"No, it's cool."
Jonathan looked at Logan and blinked and then went back to sit at his table without saying anything.
Logan and I kept walking. A loud "ROAR" could be heard behind us. This kid is fucking weird, I thought, but part of me felt bad for him.
As the school year went on Johnathan became more and more frequent in my daily life. He'd see my in the hall and try talking to me and at first I tried to gradually be more friendly and hold a conversation with him. I figured something wasn't "all right" with him and that everyone deserved a chance. But that thought didn't last very long and it wasn't too long before I tried my hardest to avoid him.
One morning I was at school early waiting for Logan where I usually waited for Logan, when Jonathan appeared out of nowhere and flicked me really hard on the arm.
"OW! WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!" I screamed.
I looked at where he had flicked me and the flesh has turned bright red. It stung really bad.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
He double over laughing.
"I GOT YOU!"
"Not cool man. That really hurt."
I was rubbing my arm and giving him a face that was supposed to express pure hate. He just laughed and then got really serious looking.
"DUDE," he said.
"Yeah?"
"I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING."
"What?"
"YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED."
"...Okay..."
"GUESS."
"Guess what?"
"GUESS WHAT HAPPENED."
"I give up."
I was getting impatient already.
"I GOT HEAD. AT SCHOOL. YESTERDAY. FROM A GIRL."
"Uh. Cool."
"I CAME. TWICE. IN HER MOUTH."
"Uh."
"SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. BUT I MADE HER, BECAUSE I'M FUCKING EVIL."
I felt disgusted to be standing near him. Here I was fifteen years old listening to this freak talk about face-raping some girl. And I'd barely kissed a girl yet. Just then I saw Logan walking towards me and we made eye contact. He read my eyes. Then looked at Jonathan. Then turned around and walked away.
"Gotta go!"
And I ran after him without giving Jonathan a chance to say anything else.
This one time, Jonathan showed up at school bleeding from the mouth. There was blood everywhere. All down his chin. His shirt. Bright, red blood. Or so I thought. He came up to me and in the morning and I stopped him right before he could flick me in the arm. I took one look at him and screamed.
"HOLY SHIT! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU OKAY?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"
He smiled real big, his teeth red, and said:
"HAHA, CHECK IT OUT."
He then reached into his pocket and to my astonishment, pulled out a packed of powdered red Kool-Aid, ripped it open, and poured the contents in his mouth. Then he started drooling profusely and red Kool-Aid blood went everywhere. What the fuck, I thought.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" he said. "PRETTY EVIL, HUH?"
"Yeah. Pretty evil."
Luckily since Jonathan was a senior his school year ended earlier than mine, so the last few weeks of school I didn't have to deal with him. Then, on the last day of school I saw him hanging around outside the school at the bus stop. He was swinging his hair like he did the first day I saw him. I was walking over to the smoothie place across the street to wait for a ride home from my mom, and there he was. Just standing there. I raised my hand to my face and tried to make myself invisible but it didn't work. He saw me and ran up to me. Fuck, I thought.
"HEY MAN. HOW'S IT GOING?"
"Good. I'm going home. Just waiting for my mom."
"SWEET. HAHA. YOUR MOM."
He said the last two words with added inflection.
"Yeah."
"MAN. I'M IN A BAND NOW. YOU SHOULD CHECK US OUT."
"Oh yeah?"
"YEAH. SINISTER ARCHITECT. FUCKIN' METAL."
When I heard this I tried not to laugh. I really did. But I may have let one slip out. Sinister Architect? Really? What the fuck is that? A mean guy who builds houses? Really fuckin' metal. Just then my mom pulled up. I had never been so happy to see her.
"Bye!" I said, and quickly got in the car.
Then my mom drove me home and I never saw Jonathan again.
3 comments:
haha, so many kids like this at my old school
I want to meet him
^^^^^
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